What Makes My Heart Come Alive

For the past couple months I’ve been thinking about my dreams, vision, calling, and purpose. I’ve also read some good books on the subject. 

Other than my excitement over discovering a box of colored printer paper, I’ve felt emotionally dead/disconnected lately…

I came to Idaho to help with administrative work and also be involved in D-school. When the issue arose about possibility of needing a 3rd staff person to go on outreach, I thought they’d tell me if they needed me to go, or would rather that I stayed back and did the admin work.

Instead the decision was left in my hands, I concluded the Word says to “go” and have heard it said that we are all told to go, unless we feel the specific call to stay. I don’t feel called to stay. So I thought, if I told them I wanted to go, they’d let me go, that easy, I don’t even need to ask the Father about it.

I met with the base director and the school leader, and stated that I want to staff the trip to India. We talked to the Father and they felt it was too early to make the decision and things were still falling into place. Thanks a lot Father…

I wondered about these things that needed to fall into place. Was it, if I really connected with the students, The Father would let me go? Or maybe if I got a lot of the admin work done, then I could go. What did I need to do to help things fall into place? I spent most of Friday having a very long quiet time. I didn’t ask the Father about if I should go on the trip or not, and I realized that I think what needed to “fall into place”, was me surrendering my right to chose what I think is best, and rely on Him to help me make the right choice, His choice.

Since I moved to Idaho, the Father has been asking me, "will you trust Me, without knowing/planning every detail of the rest of your life?" Other than that, the last time that I heard Him speak was telling me to move to Idaho to help with administrative work. Thinking implicationally, I could see the long-term benefit for us, if I stayed back and helped with the admin work. If I had to make a decision that day, I would have chosen to stay, because it seemed the logically correct choice, and a lot easier than taking a group of people to India.

Yesterday I felt like wearing my white/pink salwar (shirt) and scarf. I felt beautiful, and didn’t mind that the 2 year old twins would probably get it dirty. After all, it’s from India, where everything is always dirty. I thought about India and wanted to speak Hindi. I remembered how alive I felt when I was there. Yeah, it was HARD, but it was so good.

I realized that staying here, I could do the admin work based on my own gifts and ability. But the India trip would be stretching, and I know I can’t do it without the Father. Maybe that’s the point, relying on Him rather than choosing to do only the things which I know I can do, and don’t need His help. 


Then everything fell into place.

I sat in the evening class, wanting so badly to tell Josiah that I want to go. Then the speaker started talking about making decisions and how sometimes the Father lets us choose. If our heart’s desire is to please Him, than He won't let us go the wrong way. He said sometimes we have to make a decision, and then give it to Him and say, “this is what I am going to do, unless you stop me.”

I knew what I would choose and my heart came alive.

And Randy and Tiffany were sitting on either side of me saying “see Becky, you should go.” So I left…the room…and came back later.

In my logical mind, it would be best for me, the India team, and the staff, if I helped staff the trip. However it would be best for the base if I stayed and did the admin work. Then when I met with Josiah today, he said, “we’ve been talking about it and realized it would be best for the base for this India trip to go well.” Well in that case,

I AM GOING TO INDIA!!